My name is Amit. I actually did my B.E from a pretty decent college in Mumbai, however because of the general degradation in the economy I failed to land a job. That is when I joined the gang. They said they’d give me a place to stay and feed me well. And the only qualification you needed was to be fat, ugly and stupid, three things I was very good at. I was also required to arrange my face into a scowl all the time. The job description said, I had to negotiate dealings between my gangster boss and his ‘clients’. Of course, I soon discovered there was no pleasant discourse; rather it was more of threatening and beating up people. I also had to do a lot of laughing out loud at my master’s extremely crass remarks.
My name is nice, because there’s no need of a nickname for it. It’s short and sweet, but when I joined the gang I learned that a nickname was compulsory. So I was christened Kallu. Seriously Kallu. Of course I was probably better off than my friend from college who was called Dimple. Anyway the nickname I could live with, I mean I have put up with worse in college. The first few days there wasn’t much to do so I was quite contented with the way things were going. I was making a living for God’s sake. But that’s when my happy world came crashing, because the Hero had made his entry.
The thing I hate about heroes is that they’re tiny. I mean it is so damn easy to beat them up and throw them aside. But no, that’s not how things work in the film world. No you have to get beaten up by them and not just once. OK so the hero wants to take it out on you and your buddies, fine hit us and get it over with. But that’s not how it works is it, the damn film requires us to come again and again. He hits me once, then I have to wait for Dimple, Phattu, Chiclet and Kanchi (yep you heard correct) and then its my turn all over again. And that goes on for five times at least until the hero thinks of moving on.
After that it just gets worse. There we are all beaten up, and do we get to go to the hospital? No we get to report back to the boss, who gets pissed off himself and kills some of us. They are your own people douschebag, how can you even expect to win at the end of the movie after reducing your own force. The people who are left alive are worse off now. We all know the boss isn’t gonna come up with a good plan, so we’ll have to resort to fighting the hero again and with lesser people he beats us all up and the boss kills some more.
Another really bad thing about fights is that, you’re not allowed to take guns. For whatever reason we never get guns. Once one of us got hold of a gun and used it. He shot the hero twice but he didn’t die. Later we realized that someone had filled the gun with blanks, and the damn hero used ketchup for blood. I mean it’s totally unfair. The only thing worse than a hero is the heroine.
Heroines are a menace, believe me. Firstly the really hot ones never come in your movies. Under normal circumstances it’s ok if the heroine is ugly, as long as it has nothing to do with me. But that is rarely the case. You’re always obligated to make cat calls and whistle at the heroine. I seriously hate that part. Here we are trying to make lewd remarks and all when the heroine attempts a belly dance, while in reality we’re all unanimously puking in our own mouths. Most of us have moral issues too. We’ve tried to bring it up in front of the boss but he never listens. But that’s not the worst part about the heroine. They always despise you. Ever seen a movie with the heroine being nice to a henchman? If you say Tamil movies, you’re wrong, look closer, that’s not the henchman it’s the hero.
Ok, so we ourselves haven’t been very nice to her, but that still doesn’t justify what happened to me the other day. There I was in the market. I thought I’d do a little shopping, you know, get away from the general routine of being despicable. There I was minding my own business when all of a sudden I hear someone screaming. I turn around to find the source. And there she was the heroine, and guess what, she was pointing directly at me! I mean for God’s sake I didn’t even know she was there. And I get beaten up a little more by the hero and I get back to my daily routine.
Only once did I suggest beating up the hero, but I was hushed down by my other ‘gunda’ friends. “Dude!” they said “You wanna end up like old Kalia?” It seems old Kalia snapped one day and let the hero have it. The next day the hero slapped him with a lawsuit. That’s when hero bashing became a taboo thing among henchmen. A little later villain bashing became taboo too.
We’ve often been accused of faking our beatings. I must say that its true. But think about it, there’s no way a movie will allow us to win against the hero, so some time ago a henchman adopted this idea (‘some say it was old Kalia, before he succumbed to the injuries he sustained after getting hit by that law-suit). The best way to escape with minimal injuries is to jump before the punch lands and then roll twice on the ground, so that the hero is convinced he gave a good punch (yep, he’s usually that thick).
Another big problem is that the boss no matter how rich he is, is a cheapskate. I mean he won’ give you enough money to eat in a decent place. I mean it’s been ages since I’ve been to CCD. To everyone out there who are unemployed or are feeling generally pathetic about themselves, take solace in the fact that you’re not a Hindi film henchman. And if you are a Hindi film henchman, take solace in the fact that you’re not a Tamil film henchman… They have it a lot worse.
My name is nice, because there’s no need of a nickname for it. It’s short and sweet, but when I joined the gang I learned that a nickname was compulsory. So I was christened Kallu. Seriously Kallu. Of course I was probably better off than my friend from college who was called Dimple. Anyway the nickname I could live with, I mean I have put up with worse in college. The first few days there wasn’t much to do so I was quite contented with the way things were going. I was making a living for God’s sake. But that’s when my happy world came crashing, because the Hero had made his entry.
The thing I hate about heroes is that they’re tiny. I mean it is so damn easy to beat them up and throw them aside. But no, that’s not how things work in the film world. No you have to get beaten up by them and not just once. OK so the hero wants to take it out on you and your buddies, fine hit us and get it over with. But that’s not how it works is it, the damn film requires us to come again and again. He hits me once, then I have to wait for Dimple, Phattu, Chiclet and Kanchi (yep you heard correct) and then its my turn all over again. And that goes on for five times at least until the hero thinks of moving on.
After that it just gets worse. There we are all beaten up, and do we get to go to the hospital? No we get to report back to the boss, who gets pissed off himself and kills some of us. They are your own people douschebag, how can you even expect to win at the end of the movie after reducing your own force. The people who are left alive are worse off now. We all know the boss isn’t gonna come up with a good plan, so we’ll have to resort to fighting the hero again and with lesser people he beats us all up and the boss kills some more.
Another really bad thing about fights is that, you’re not allowed to take guns. For whatever reason we never get guns. Once one of us got hold of a gun and used it. He shot the hero twice but he didn’t die. Later we realized that someone had filled the gun with blanks, and the damn hero used ketchup for blood. I mean it’s totally unfair. The only thing worse than a hero is the heroine.
Heroines are a menace, believe me. Firstly the really hot ones never come in your movies. Under normal circumstances it’s ok if the heroine is ugly, as long as it has nothing to do with me. But that is rarely the case. You’re always obligated to make cat calls and whistle at the heroine. I seriously hate that part. Here we are trying to make lewd remarks and all when the heroine attempts a belly dance, while in reality we’re all unanimously puking in our own mouths. Most of us have moral issues too. We’ve tried to bring it up in front of the boss but he never listens. But that’s not the worst part about the heroine. They always despise you. Ever seen a movie with the heroine being nice to a henchman? If you say Tamil movies, you’re wrong, look closer, that’s not the henchman it’s the hero.
Ok, so we ourselves haven’t been very nice to her, but that still doesn’t justify what happened to me the other day. There I was in the market. I thought I’d do a little shopping, you know, get away from the general routine of being despicable. There I was minding my own business when all of a sudden I hear someone screaming. I turn around to find the source. And there she was the heroine, and guess what, she was pointing directly at me! I mean for God’s sake I didn’t even know she was there. And I get beaten up a little more by the hero and I get back to my daily routine.
Only once did I suggest beating up the hero, but I was hushed down by my other ‘gunda’ friends. “Dude!” they said “You wanna end up like old Kalia?” It seems old Kalia snapped one day and let the hero have it. The next day the hero slapped him with a lawsuit. That’s when hero bashing became a taboo thing among henchmen. A little later villain bashing became taboo too.
We’ve often been accused of faking our beatings. I must say that its true. But think about it, there’s no way a movie will allow us to win against the hero, so some time ago a henchman adopted this idea (‘some say it was old Kalia, before he succumbed to the injuries he sustained after getting hit by that law-suit). The best way to escape with minimal injuries is to jump before the punch lands and then roll twice on the ground, so that the hero is convinced he gave a good punch (yep, he’s usually that thick).
Another big problem is that the boss no matter how rich he is, is a cheapskate. I mean he won’ give you enough money to eat in a decent place. I mean it’s been ages since I’ve been to CCD. To everyone out there who are unemployed or are feeling generally pathetic about themselves, take solace in the fact that you’re not a Hindi film henchman. And if you are a Hindi film henchman, take solace in the fact that you’re not a Tamil film henchman… They have it a lot worse.
