Twitter is awesome!! Evereyone loves it. The whole world loves it so much, it makes you wonder. What if this was all planned. What if there's a hidden motive behind twitter? Our lives are so inextricably twined with twitter,that what if, one day, twitter was shut down!!
Who would stand to gain?
The suspects
1) Them mobile phone service providers -
These companies are hungry for money, and you can't blame them. They employ the maxim, "If you want to chat with your girlfriend for hours, you might as well pay for it." But the day twitter dies, its Christmas for these guys. Imagine that two minutes after Jack posted he'sabout to finish his sandwich, twitter died. Then Jill and five others would be frantically calling jack to find out if he did in fact finish the sandwich. They would HAVE to know, it would be impossible for them to sleep otherwise, and if they did manage to sleep, they'd be dreaming about Jack and his sandwich and just when he's having his last bite, they'd wake up!!
Considering that there are a billion twitter users, and that finishing a sandwich is just about the most boring tweet possible... anyone can see them company guys swimming in gold.
2) The Undertakers -
We might not like to think about it, but its a very real possibility. The day twitter shuts down the suicide rate will quadruple. There are those whose lives revolve around twitter, and if they die, only one group stands to gain. The undertakers. Are they the ones behind the twitter phenomenon?
3) Other social networking sites -
Yes there are many of these and we keep getting invites to them all the time. But do we actually join them. If not why? Its because of twitter.We feel we're following thousands and there are thousands following us, so there's no need to be more connected.
But the day twitter dies, these sites will be our saviours. Jill would tell Jane, " Dude, I'm dying to know if Jack finished the sandwich!!" To which Jane would reply, "You don't know yet!! He's totally updated his status in xyz.com."
"I have got to join that site!!" Jill would say and xyz would have one more user. Scale that up to twitter's user base, and you have xyz's popularity sky rocketing.
4) The Transport Industry
Twitter has brought out the social beast inside us. Earlier we were content talking to our neighbours and friends, now we are talking to everyone and still go to bed reluctantly.
So once twitter is dead, and you feel the need to talk to someone, halfway around the world, or even a different part of the city, its the transport industry you turn to.
There are of course certain drawbacks in each point mentioned above
1) Mobile phone guys :
There may be a spike in their earnings the day twitter dies, but humans by nature are cheap. Once they get their phone bill they'll stop.
2) Undertakers :
I've always imagined them to be gaunt, dressed in black with a black hat, and living in the early 1900s. I'm guessing they probably don't really know about twitter.
3) Social Networking sites:
Man is not just a social animal anymore. He's a socially hungry animal, who would probably already be on site xyz and all the other ones anyway. Jill would probably have the same friends in five different sites and also read their status messages in all five of them. If twitter died she'd know about Jack's sandwich by checking out the photo he posted in xyz which shows an empty plate
4) The transport industry :
As far as the transport industry is concerned, refer to point one.
On a (partially) serious note the consequences of twitter's phenomenal popularity is quite thought provoking
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
You know you’re living in a crappy place when…
1) On the first day of the monsoon, instead of dancing in the rain, you’re busy throwing you’re belongings onto the loft, because your house is turning into a giant (dirty) aquarium
2) You stop caring about the poor farmers and start praying that the monsoon never begins
3) You stuff your ears with cotton every night so that none of the countless centipedes, millipedes and all other kind of pedes get in
4) You catch yourself googling, “Can a millipede in your ear kill you?”
5) You get up in the morning and offer a prayer of thanks to God that you’re still alive after you realize that one of the cotton balls actually fell of your ear in the middle of the night
6) You sadly reminisce about the days when you laughed at people who lived off their suitcases, because now you’re doing the exact same thing, with one exception… The suitcase is on the loft, and you’re not tall enough to reach it
7) You say TGIM instead of TGIF and work late just to avoid going back
8) The landlady assures you that smoking and drinking would mean certain eviction, while her son, just to tick you off, enjoys a smoke right in front of your door every night
9) During a storm water starts seeping through the front door and the drainage outlet at the back, and you are stuck in between with all your possessions
10) One fine day, when everythings bright and sunny, you still find water seeping through the drain at the back
11) You think you’ve seen everything until you realize that the small noise you heard the previous night and the small black thing that ran past you is in fact a rat
12) A couple of minutes after seeing the rat you see that he’s brought his family along
13) You wake up at three in the morning just because you heard it rain and its your turn to check the drain
14) You wake up at three again, but this time its because there’s no power
15) You actually think of staying overnight in the company because there was a storm in Delhi
16) You always happen to be in the bathroom when the power goes out
17) The water seeps in again and as you try to gather the mattress and throw it onto the loft the power goes out
18) Your landlady’s grandson buys a bike with the most horrible horn that gives you a splitting 24 hr headache, and of course, it plays five different tunes
19) Your nicest friend who wouldn’t badmouth the Bug Blatter Beast of Traal, after meeting with the landlady smacks his forehead saying, “Kya paka rahi hai yaar!!”
20) The landlady tells you that the only way to dispose off your garbage is to go at midnight and throw it under the sign that says ‘NO LITTERING’
21) She also makes it abundantly clear that, if you are caught, she’s not to blame
22) You find the whole cake of Mortein Rat killer that you placed last night is missing, but you can still see the rats
23) You start getting the dead rat smell everywhere, while your roommates call you paranoid
24) No matter what the situation your dreams always have rats in them
25) You try to position yourself at night in such a way that even if a rat does come to get you it would have to bite your roommate first
26) Inspite of your well thought out positioning you get bitten by a rat, whereas your roommate is fine
To Be Continued
2) You stop caring about the poor farmers and start praying that the monsoon never begins
3) You stuff your ears with cotton every night so that none of the countless centipedes, millipedes and all other kind of pedes get in
4) You catch yourself googling, “Can a millipede in your ear kill you?”
5) You get up in the morning and offer a prayer of thanks to God that you’re still alive after you realize that one of the cotton balls actually fell of your ear in the middle of the night
6) You sadly reminisce about the days when you laughed at people who lived off their suitcases, because now you’re doing the exact same thing, with one exception… The suitcase is on the loft, and you’re not tall enough to reach it
7) You say TGIM instead of TGIF and work late just to avoid going back
8) The landlady assures you that smoking and drinking would mean certain eviction, while her son, just to tick you off, enjoys a smoke right in front of your door every night
9) During a storm water starts seeping through the front door and the drainage outlet at the back, and you are stuck in between with all your possessions
10) One fine day, when everythings bright and sunny, you still find water seeping through the drain at the back
11) You think you’ve seen everything until you realize that the small noise you heard the previous night and the small black thing that ran past you is in fact a rat
12) A couple of minutes after seeing the rat you see that he’s brought his family along
13) You wake up at three in the morning just because you heard it rain and its your turn to check the drain
14) You wake up at three again, but this time its because there’s no power
15) You actually think of staying overnight in the company because there was a storm in Delhi
16) You always happen to be in the bathroom when the power goes out
17) The water seeps in again and as you try to gather the mattress and throw it onto the loft the power goes out
18) Your landlady’s grandson buys a bike with the most horrible horn that gives you a splitting 24 hr headache, and of course, it plays five different tunes
19) Your nicest friend who wouldn’t badmouth the Bug Blatter Beast of Traal, after meeting with the landlady smacks his forehead saying, “Kya paka rahi hai yaar!!”
20) The landlady tells you that the only way to dispose off your garbage is to go at midnight and throw it under the sign that says ‘NO LITTERING’
21) She also makes it abundantly clear that, if you are caught, she’s not to blame
22) You find the whole cake of Mortein Rat killer that you placed last night is missing, but you can still see the rats
23) You start getting the dead rat smell everywhere, while your roommates call you paranoid
24) No matter what the situation your dreams always have rats in them
25) You try to position yourself at night in such a way that even if a rat does come to get you it would have to bite your roommate first
26) Inspite of your well thought out positioning you get bitten by a rat, whereas your roommate is fine
To Be Continued
Monday, August 24, 2009
Truth Ka Facing: Featuring Popeye The Sailor II
"Next question Mr Popeye,
7) Who is the one person you adore the most?"
Olive Oyl's face perked up, but Popeye's went lower, he mumbled reluctantly,
"Jack Sparrow"
Sensing a storm, Truthman threw the next question before Olive Oyl could react...
8) "Do you really believe that Sweet Pea is your illegitimate child?"
This time however there was no embarassment in Popeye's face... "No (toot toot)" he said clearly and loudly. Truthman seemed confused, he consulted his notes, and then realisation dawned on his face. "Aah, sorry about that, I mixed up the questions, this was meant for Bluto who'll be facing me next week.
"What?" blurted Bluto, "I'm going to have to answer that?"
"Oh, no don't worry," said Truthman, "You mostly won't have to, you probably won't even get past the, "Do you have a secret crush on Popeye?" question."
"Now, Popeye" said Truthman facing him, "here comes the second last question,"
9) "Do you think that, Pappy is in fact not your real father?"
"Popeye," said a hurt and broken Pappy, "This ain't true is it? You really don't believe that?"
"Tis' true Pappy," said Popeye, "How else can you explain the fact that you got a long beard and I ain't got none. It don't add up."
"But Popeye!!" pleaded Pappy, "I told you a million times, yer Mum ain't got no beard either!! That's why you ain't got none!!"
Before Popeye could reply to that the Truthman cut in, "We're running out of time Popeye, so I'm gonna shoot the last question for 10 million bucks!!! (The lights went off)
"It's ok folks," said Truthman, "Their just extra extra dim, we keep forgetting to brighten them after the question is asked. Anyway now for the tenth question,"
10) Popeye is it true that, eating spinach does not actually make you stronger, and that you use a muscular body double to do the after spinach scenes?"
If Popeye looked broken earlier, he looked a lot worse now, "Please!!" he pleaded, "anything else!!"
"This is the question Popeye, you can answer it if you want the money."
"But there be kids watchin'!!!"
"All the more reason to tell the truth," said Truthman calmly
"Yes," he said finally, "But it wasn't my fault!!"
"Then who's was it?"
He looked right and left and said in a low whisper.
"It was them Spinach Companies!!"
And thus the show ended
7) Who is the one person you adore the most?"
Olive Oyl's face perked up, but Popeye's went lower, he mumbled reluctantly,
"Jack Sparrow"
Sensing a storm, Truthman threw the next question before Olive Oyl could react...
8) "Do you really believe that Sweet Pea is your illegitimate child?"
This time however there was no embarassment in Popeye's face... "No (toot toot)" he said clearly and loudly. Truthman seemed confused, he consulted his notes, and then realisation dawned on his face. "Aah, sorry about that, I mixed up the questions, this was meant for Bluto who'll be facing me next week.
"What?" blurted Bluto, "I'm going to have to answer that?"
"Oh, no don't worry," said Truthman, "You mostly won't have to, you probably won't even get past the, "Do you have a secret crush on Popeye?" question."
"Now, Popeye" said Truthman facing him, "here comes the second last question,"
9) "Do you think that, Pappy is in fact not your real father?"
"Popeye," said a hurt and broken Pappy, "This ain't true is it? You really don't believe that?"
"Tis' true Pappy," said Popeye, "How else can you explain the fact that you got a long beard and I ain't got none. It don't add up."
"But Popeye!!" pleaded Pappy, "I told you a million times, yer Mum ain't got no beard either!! That's why you ain't got none!!"
Before Popeye could reply to that the Truthman cut in, "We're running out of time Popeye, so I'm gonna shoot the last question for 10 million bucks!!! (The lights went off)
"It's ok folks," said Truthman, "Their just extra extra dim, we keep forgetting to brighten them after the question is asked. Anyway now for the tenth question,"
10) Popeye is it true that, eating spinach does not actually make you stronger, and that you use a muscular body double to do the after spinach scenes?"
If Popeye looked broken earlier, he looked a lot worse now, "Please!!" he pleaded, "anything else!!"
"This is the question Popeye, you can answer it if you want the money."
"But there be kids watchin'!!!"
"All the more reason to tell the truth," said Truthman calmly
"Yes," he said finally, "But it wasn't my fault!!"
"Then who's was it?"
He looked right and left and said in a low whisper.
"It was them Spinach Companies!!"
And thus the show ended
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Truth Ka Facing : Featuring Popeye The Sailor I
It was another episode of Truth Ka Facing. The Truthman was seated as usual and opposite him sat the sailor of international repute, Popeye. His family and friends were seated in the audience. Ten questions he would have to face, ten answers he would have to divulge, to win ten million bucks
Truthman spoke, "Well Popeye, lets start with the first question," as he said this the lights dimmed and an audible "Oooh" escaped the audience. "This seems to be an easy one" the Truthman added,
1) "What was your childhood ambition? What did you always want to become?
"It's simple," said Popeye smiling, "I always wanted to be a sailor." "Aah, but our machine here doen't agree," said the Truthman,"Tell us the truth Mr Popeye."
"All right then," said Popeye sighing , "Me childhood dream was to be a ..." he said the last part in a scarcely audible tone.
"A Rap Artist?" said Truthman loudly.
"Well, yes" agreed Popeye, "I even wrote a couple of songs." "Can you sing one for us?" asked Truthman. "All, right, here goes," saif Popeye and began singing in his gruff voice,
"Yo, yo Me name is Popeye
Me gives Bluto his black eye..."
"Thats very charming Mr Popeye, now for the next question," cut in Truthman
"But me ain't done yet!!" protested Popeye,
"Yes you are Mr Popeye, if i let you go on we risk losing half our viewers, trust me, we learnt a huge lesson when we invited eminem last time."
"Coming to the next question,",
2) Mr Popeye what is the one thing that scares you the most?
Popeye fixed a hard look on Truthman , "That be an embarassing question."
"The answer please Mr Popeye," retorted Truthman with a harder look.
"Fine, I get scared of the fact that ..." he hesitated a little, and then hurriedly finished the rest of the sentence, "that Olive's arms are longer than her feet."
"Popeye how dare you," said Olive standing up, "But me Peach," reurned Popeye utterly helpless, "Its true, you can touch your toes without bending your back!!"
Before Olive Oyl could say anything, Truthman hurriedly went to the next question, "Popeye," he said as the lights dimmed even further,
3) "What is your favorite food?"
"Aah everyone knows its spinach," Popeye said smiling proudly, "But, "interjected Truthman, "our machine knows its not, come on Popeye out with the truth."
"Well, all right, if you have to know my favorite food is Chicken Tikka, but kids," he said looking sternly at the camera, " even if you don't like it you have to eat it to remain strong."
"Thank you for delivering that message Popeye, now the next question for you is,
4) Do you think Wimpy has been a good friend to you?"
At this Wimpy for the first time looked at Popeye, in fact since the start of the show it was the first time that he looked at anything apart from the hamburgere he'd been eating. Popeye shifted his eyes away and answered,
"Me thinks he has not been a very good friend at all now that you've mentioned it, he's borrowed about a million bucks from me and never paid me back! Everytime i ask him, he says he'll pay me on tuesday, but if i ask him on tuesdays he tells me next tuesday and borrows some more." At this Wimpy got up, "I've never been so insulted in all my life," he said indignantly, after which he sat down and all of his concentration was once again taken up by the hamburger.
"Well Popeye are you ready for question no 5?" Popeye shrugged,
5) Who's legs do you like more than Olive Oyl's?"
"Popeyeee" came a warning shout from Olive, Popeye looked the other way and in a barely audible whisper said , "Malaika Arora"
"But how!!" shrieked Olive, "My legs are so much longer!!, Popeye you're dead when you come home tonight!!"
Popeye his head still down muttered a small, "I'm sorry," while Truthman deciding he'd had enough drama, went on to the next question,
6) "Popeye, how many times have you been out in the sea?"
"Ha!" said Pappy, "he's a sailor of course he must have gone out to sea million times."
"Popeye," prompted Truthman,
"All, right," he looked broken, "I've never actually been out to sea. I only work at the docks."
"Impossible," said Pappy. "It ain't me fault ok," said Popeye bristling a little, "its just that i can't swim and i get sea sick very easily, I've just been watching out for me health."
"Then what about all those episodes where you were at sea?" asked Truthman
"CG" replied Popeye shrugging...
Truthman spoke, "Well Popeye, lets start with the first question," as he said this the lights dimmed and an audible "Oooh" escaped the audience. "This seems to be an easy one" the Truthman added,
1) "What was your childhood ambition? What did you always want to become?
"It's simple," said Popeye smiling, "I always wanted to be a sailor." "Aah, but our machine here doen't agree," said the Truthman,"Tell us the truth Mr Popeye."
"All right then," said Popeye sighing , "Me childhood dream was to be a ..." he said the last part in a scarcely audible tone.
"A Rap Artist?" said Truthman loudly.
"Well, yes" agreed Popeye, "I even wrote a couple of songs." "Can you sing one for us?" asked Truthman. "All, right, here goes," saif Popeye and began singing in his gruff voice,
"Yo, yo Me name is Popeye
Me gives Bluto his black eye..."
"Thats very charming Mr Popeye, now for the next question," cut in Truthman
"But me ain't done yet!!" protested Popeye,
"Yes you are Mr Popeye, if i let you go on we risk losing half our viewers, trust me, we learnt a huge lesson when we invited eminem last time."
"Coming to the next question,"
2) Mr Popeye what is the one thing that scares you the most?
Popeye fixed a hard look on Truthman , "That be an embarassing question."
"The answer please Mr Popeye," retorted Truthman with a harder look.
"Fine, I get scared of the fact that ..." he hesitated a little, and then hurriedly finished the rest of the sentence, "that Olive's arms are longer than her feet."
"Popeye how dare you," said Olive standing up, "But me Peach," reurned Popeye utterly helpless, "Its true, you can touch your toes without bending your back!!"
Before Olive Oyl could say anything, Truthman hurriedly went to the next question, "Popeye," he said as the lights dimmed even further,
3) "What is your favorite food?"
"Aah everyone knows its spinach," Popeye said smiling proudly, "But, "interjected Truthman, "our machine knows its not, come on Popeye out with the truth."
"Well, all right, if you have to know my favorite food is Chicken Tikka, but kids," he said looking sternly at the camera, " even if you don't like it you have to eat it to remain strong."
"Thank you for delivering that message Popeye, now the next question for you is,
4) Do you think Wimpy has been a good friend to you?"
At this Wimpy for the first time looked at Popeye, in fact since the start of the show it was the first time that he looked at anything apart from the hamburgere he'd been eating. Popeye shifted his eyes away and answered,
"Me thinks he has not been a very good friend at all now that you've mentioned it, he's borrowed about a million bucks from me and never paid me back! Everytime i ask him, he says he'll pay me on tuesday, but if i ask him on tuesdays he tells me next tuesday and borrows some more." At this Wimpy got up, "I've never been so insulted in all my life," he said indignantly, after which he sat down and all of his concentration was once again taken up by the hamburger.
"Well Popeye are you ready for question no 5?" Popeye shrugged,
5) Who's legs do you like more than Olive Oyl's?"
"Popeyeee" came a warning shout from Olive, Popeye looked the other way and in a barely audible whisper said , "Malaika Arora"
"But how!!" shrieked Olive, "My legs are so much longer!!, Popeye you're dead when you come home tonight!!"
Popeye his head still down muttered a small, "I'm sorry," while Truthman deciding he'd had enough drama, went on to the next question,
6) "Popeye, how many times have you been out in the sea?"
"Ha!" said Pappy, "he's a sailor of course he must have gone out to sea million times."
"Popeye," prompted Truthman,
"All, right," he looked broken, "I've never actually been out to sea. I only work at the docks."
"Impossible," said Pappy. "It ain't me fault ok," said Popeye bristling a little, "its just that i can't swim and i get sea sick very easily, I've just been watching out for me health."
"Then what about all those episodes where you were at sea?" asked Truthman
"CG" replied Popeye shrugging...
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Musings of a Hindi Film Henchman
My name is Amit. I actually did my B.E from a pretty decent college in Mumbai, however because of the general degradation in the economy I failed to land a job. That is when I joined the gang. They said they’d give me a place to stay and feed me well. And the only qualification you needed was to be fat, ugly and stupid, three things I was very good at. I was also required to arrange my face into a scowl all the time. The job description said, I had to negotiate dealings between my gangster boss and his ‘clients’. Of course, I soon discovered there was no pleasant discourse; rather it was more of threatening and beating up people. I also had to do a lot of laughing out loud at my master’s extremely crass remarks.
My name is nice, because there’s no need of a nickname for it. It’s short and sweet, but when I joined the gang I learned that a nickname was compulsory. So I was christened Kallu. Seriously Kallu. Of course I was probably better off than my friend from college who was called Dimple. Anyway the nickname I could live with, I mean I have put up with worse in college. The first few days there wasn’t much to do so I was quite contented with the way things were going. I was making a living for God’s sake. But that’s when my happy world came crashing, because the Hero had made his entry.
The thing I hate about heroes is that they’re tiny. I mean it is so damn easy to beat them up and throw them aside. But no, that’s not how things work in the film world. No you have to get beaten up by them and not just once. OK so the hero wants to take it out on you and your buddies, fine hit us and get it over with. But that’s not how it works is it, the damn film requires us to come again and again. He hits me once, then I have to wait for Dimple, Phattu, Chiclet and Kanchi (yep you heard correct) and then its my turn all over again. And that goes on for five times at least until the hero thinks of moving on.
After that it just gets worse. There we are all beaten up, and do we get to go to the hospital? No we get to report back to the boss, who gets pissed off himself and kills some of us. They are your own people douschebag, how can you even expect to win at the end of the movie after reducing your own force. The people who are left alive are worse off now. We all know the boss isn’t gonna come up with a good plan, so we’ll have to resort to fighting the hero again and with lesser people he beats us all up and the boss kills some more.
Another really bad thing about fights is that, you’re not allowed to take guns. For whatever reason we never get guns. Once one of us got hold of a gun and used it. He shot the hero twice but he didn’t die. Later we realized that someone had filled the gun with blanks, and the damn hero used ketchup for blood. I mean it’s totally unfair. The only thing worse than a hero is the heroine.
Heroines are a menace, believe me. Firstly the really hot ones never come in your movies. Under normal circumstances it’s ok if the heroine is ugly, as long as it has nothing to do with me. But that is rarely the case. You’re always obligated to make cat calls and whistle at the heroine. I seriously hate that part. Here we are trying to make lewd remarks and all when the heroine attempts a belly dance, while in reality we’re all unanimously puking in our own mouths. Most of us have moral issues too. We’ve tried to bring it up in front of the boss but he never listens. But that’s not the worst part about the heroine. They always despise you. Ever seen a movie with the heroine being nice to a henchman? If you say Tamil movies, you’re wrong, look closer, that’s not the henchman it’s the hero.
Ok, so we ourselves haven’t been very nice to her, but that still doesn’t justify what happened to me the other day. There I was in the market. I thought I’d do a little shopping, you know, get away from the general routine of being despicable. There I was minding my own business when all of a sudden I hear someone screaming. I turn around to find the source. And there she was the heroine, and guess what, she was pointing directly at me! I mean for God’s sake I didn’t even know she was there. And I get beaten up a little more by the hero and I get back to my daily routine.
Only once did I suggest beating up the hero, but I was hushed down by my other ‘gunda’ friends. “Dude!” they said “You wanna end up like old Kalia?” It seems old Kalia snapped one day and let the hero have it. The next day the hero slapped him with a lawsuit. That’s when hero bashing became a taboo thing among henchmen. A little later villain bashing became taboo too.
We’ve often been accused of faking our beatings. I must say that its true. But think about it, there’s no way a movie will allow us to win against the hero, so some time ago a henchman adopted this idea (‘some say it was old Kalia, before he succumbed to the injuries he sustained after getting hit by that law-suit). The best way to escape with minimal injuries is to jump before the punch lands and then roll twice on the ground, so that the hero is convinced he gave a good punch (yep, he’s usually that thick).
Another big problem is that the boss no matter how rich he is, is a cheapskate. I mean he won’ give you enough money to eat in a decent place. I mean it’s been ages since I’ve been to CCD. To everyone out there who are unemployed or are feeling generally pathetic about themselves, take solace in the fact that you’re not a Hindi film henchman. And if you are a Hindi film henchman, take solace in the fact that you’re not a Tamil film henchman… They have it a lot worse.
My name is nice, because there’s no need of a nickname for it. It’s short and sweet, but when I joined the gang I learned that a nickname was compulsory. So I was christened Kallu. Seriously Kallu. Of course I was probably better off than my friend from college who was called Dimple. Anyway the nickname I could live with, I mean I have put up with worse in college. The first few days there wasn’t much to do so I was quite contented with the way things were going. I was making a living for God’s sake. But that’s when my happy world came crashing, because the Hero had made his entry.
The thing I hate about heroes is that they’re tiny. I mean it is so damn easy to beat them up and throw them aside. But no, that’s not how things work in the film world. No you have to get beaten up by them and not just once. OK so the hero wants to take it out on you and your buddies, fine hit us and get it over with. But that’s not how it works is it, the damn film requires us to come again and again. He hits me once, then I have to wait for Dimple, Phattu, Chiclet and Kanchi (yep you heard correct) and then its my turn all over again. And that goes on for five times at least until the hero thinks of moving on.
After that it just gets worse. There we are all beaten up, and do we get to go to the hospital? No we get to report back to the boss, who gets pissed off himself and kills some of us. They are your own people douschebag, how can you even expect to win at the end of the movie after reducing your own force. The people who are left alive are worse off now. We all know the boss isn’t gonna come up with a good plan, so we’ll have to resort to fighting the hero again and with lesser people he beats us all up and the boss kills some more.
Another really bad thing about fights is that, you’re not allowed to take guns. For whatever reason we never get guns. Once one of us got hold of a gun and used it. He shot the hero twice but he didn’t die. Later we realized that someone had filled the gun with blanks, and the damn hero used ketchup for blood. I mean it’s totally unfair. The only thing worse than a hero is the heroine.
Heroines are a menace, believe me. Firstly the really hot ones never come in your movies. Under normal circumstances it’s ok if the heroine is ugly, as long as it has nothing to do with me. But that is rarely the case. You’re always obligated to make cat calls and whistle at the heroine. I seriously hate that part. Here we are trying to make lewd remarks and all when the heroine attempts a belly dance, while in reality we’re all unanimously puking in our own mouths. Most of us have moral issues too. We’ve tried to bring it up in front of the boss but he never listens. But that’s not the worst part about the heroine. They always despise you. Ever seen a movie with the heroine being nice to a henchman? If you say Tamil movies, you’re wrong, look closer, that’s not the henchman it’s the hero.
Ok, so we ourselves haven’t been very nice to her, but that still doesn’t justify what happened to me the other day. There I was in the market. I thought I’d do a little shopping, you know, get away from the general routine of being despicable. There I was minding my own business when all of a sudden I hear someone screaming. I turn around to find the source. And there she was the heroine, and guess what, she was pointing directly at me! I mean for God’s sake I didn’t even know she was there. And I get beaten up a little more by the hero and I get back to my daily routine.
Only once did I suggest beating up the hero, but I was hushed down by my other ‘gunda’ friends. “Dude!” they said “You wanna end up like old Kalia?” It seems old Kalia snapped one day and let the hero have it. The next day the hero slapped him with a lawsuit. That’s when hero bashing became a taboo thing among henchmen. A little later villain bashing became taboo too.
We’ve often been accused of faking our beatings. I must say that its true. But think about it, there’s no way a movie will allow us to win against the hero, so some time ago a henchman adopted this idea (‘some say it was old Kalia, before he succumbed to the injuries he sustained after getting hit by that law-suit). The best way to escape with minimal injuries is to jump before the punch lands and then roll twice on the ground, so that the hero is convinced he gave a good punch (yep, he’s usually that thick).
Another big problem is that the boss no matter how rich he is, is a cheapskate. I mean he won’ give you enough money to eat in a decent place. I mean it’s been ages since I’ve been to CCD. To everyone out there who are unemployed or are feeling generally pathetic about themselves, take solace in the fact that you’re not a Hindi film henchman. And if you are a Hindi film henchman, take solace in the fact that you’re not a Tamil film henchman… They have it a lot worse.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
The Principle and working of a MOSEFT
The MOSEFT is an extension of the EFT family, where EFT stands for Engineering Friendly Transistor. To understand the principle behind its working it is necessary to start from the basics.
The first MOSEFT was synthesized in January 2008, by a group of college dropouts. The aim was to reduce the complexity involved in studying the working of transistors to make lives of electronics engineers much easier. It was understood that the concept of electrons and holes was the root for the problem; hence it had to be eliminated from the transistor operation. This lead to the discovery of ‘magic particles’. These particles are the basic components of MOSEFTs. ‘Magic particles’ (MPs) in short have very attractive properties that make them ideal for transistor operations
Advantages of MPs over holes and electrons
The first MOSEFT was synthesized in January 2008, by a group of college dropouts. The aim was to reduce the complexity involved in studying the working of transistors to make lives of electronics engineers much easier. It was understood that the concept of electrons and holes was the root for the problem; hence it had to be eliminated from the transistor operation. This lead to the discovery of ‘magic particles’. These particles are the basic components of MOSEFTs. ‘Magic particles’ (MPs) in short have very attractive properties that make them ideal for transistor operations
Advantages of MPs over holes and electrons
- There are only one type of MP particles, hence it is impossible to mix them up during exams
- They have automatic charge formulation property. This means that they decide their own charge depending on the situation, independent of what is assigned to them in the equation. Meaning, that negative sign in the equation can be left just as it is, the magic particle will make it positive; and the solution correct.
- The M factor: This is a factor that arises from the derivation of MPs on the Magic Particle Theory, which is beyond the scope of most texts that make sense. However the M factor can be understood without doing an in depth analysis. It basically has the property that it abstracts all the interactions between MPs. This is very helpful in understanding MOSEFTs. Due to the M factor all the inner working of the transistor is automatically abstracted.
Principle of MOSEFTs
MOSEFT Structure
The MOSEFT structure is a very simple one. There is no mucking about with emitters and collectors and drains, etc. There is only one central element in the MOSEFT, it is called ‘The Box’. It is named so due to its appearance. The Box has certain properties that makes it an ideal candidate for the MOSEFT structure.
MOSEFT Structure
The MOSEFT structure is a very simple one. There is no mucking about with emitters and collectors and drains, etc. There is only one central element in the MOSEFT, it is called ‘The Box’. It is named so due to its appearance. The Box has certain properties that makes it an ideal candidate for the MOSEFT structure.
- There is only one ‘Box’, there is no box1, box2 and so on. Even if there is more than one MOSEFT in succession, all one has to do is to put them all in one ‘box’. This will be proved shortly.
- There are no constraints on the shape of the box, though it is generally assumed by engineers throughout the world, that it is rectangular in shape but this is not necessary. In fact boxes which are not perfectly rectangular are seen to be more effective. Thus it better if these boxes are drawn on the exam paper without a scale, as that gives a more accurate description
MOSEFT Operation
The MOSEFT transistor performs the basic transistor task of controlling a voltage or current with an input voltage or current. This is done with the help of the MPs. Consider a ‘Box’, this box encapsulates the whole transistor. Now if an input current is given to the transistor, an output current or voltage can be obtained. For understanding how this output is controlled it necessary to understand the IC theorem
IC THEOREM
The IC theorem states that, when there is a variable to be controlled and output required, it can be assumed that a controller is present. This controller can then perform the controlling operation. The proof of this theorem is loosely based on one of Schrodinger’s theorems (to find out which one, refer SCH [33]). By going up one level of abstraction one doesn’t really need to see the variable being controlled. Instead one can assume that there is a controller doing the controlling. This is valid as according to Schrodinger’s hypothesis there is a probability that there is a controller present. Since there is no way ascertaining that a controller isn’t there due to the abstraction we might as well assume that there is one present. Thus it is called the Imaginary Controller (IC) theorem. This theorem blends in beautifully with magical particles as we shall see.
Thus according to the IC theorem there is a controller inside the box controlling the input and hence the transistor operation is performed. The conversion from voltage to current or vice versa is performed by the MPs. As the inner working of the Magic Particles is abstracted by the M factor, the need to understand the operation is eliminated.
Cascading of multiple transistors
As with other transistors multiple MOSEFTs can be cascaded. The individual Boxes can be combined into one single ‘Box’. The proof for this is straight forward. The crux is to understand that, none of the workings within the ‘Box’ is understood. Hence if one has n boxes, then one does not understand the working of any of them. Therefore these can be clubbed together in one big ‘Box’ whose working will not be understood by anyone either.
Current Voltage Characteristics of the MOSEFT
The current voltage characteristics of a MOSEFT unlike other transistors do not have a graphical description. This saves a lot of time for engineers who need to have complete and thorough understanding of the MOSEFT but are facing time bound constraints (for example one day before the exam). The characteristics of the MOSEFT are best explained by an example.
Consider a MOSEFT, when you give an input current to it, you automatically obtain a suitable output at the other end of, ‘The Box’. This is due to the automatic satisfaction property of the EFT that arises due to the magical particles. A detailed explanation of this is given in the following section.
The Magical Effect
When you give a current of 5mA into the transistor and you already know that at the other end the voltage must come out to be around 7V (which is gathered by referring to the answer at the back of the textbook) the MPs are accordingly adjusted to generate the voltage. This occurs due to a property of the MPs called the ‘Look Ahead Property’. This property actually enables the MPs to look ahead in time to see what output is needed. So while solving the problem though the person hasn’t reached the end of the solution yet, the MPs by virtue of this property are able to know what output (or answer) is required and hence generate it. Thus the solution is arrived at.
This procedure is a watertight one. Meaning, it cannot go wrong and gives hundred percent accuracy. This is one of the biggest reasons for the popularity of MOSEFTs. This effect is called the Magical Effect. When asked how the current or voltage output is determined in a MOSEFT, it can be said that, “It occurs magically” or, “Its magic”. Before the discovery of the ‘Magical Effect’, another theory was used to explain input/output determination, called the ‘Tunnel Through’ theorem. This is theorem was however discarded as it suffered from a few obvious deficiencies.
Tunnel Through Theorem
To explain how the MPs always arrived at the right answer to a given problem, the Tunnel Through Theorem was suggested. According to this theorem, just like holes and electrons in normal transistors can tunnel through energy barriers, the MPs can tunnel through barriers too. Due to this property it was suggested that the MPs tunneled through the pages of the text book, and reached the solution page, thus recognizing the answer before the problem was solved by the user. Hence the MPs were able to generate the solution for the user. This theorem was however unable to explain the following points
Thus with the help of the Tunnel Through Theorem and The Magical Effect the automatic satisfaction property of the MOSEFT is explained. Meaning, the MOSEFT outputs automatically adjust themselves to the users need.
Conclusion
This far it has been shown that MOSEFTs are the most engineering friendly transistors available. There are no complicated wires or circuit diagrams to be drawn. No graphs are required. The various parameters of the MOSEFT (MPs , Box etc) carry huge advantages over normal transistors. The only downside of using the MOSEFT is that it has only been realized on theory, but however it is still a great help to engineers and is an essential tool in making their life easier.
The MOSEFT transistor performs the basic transistor task of controlling a voltage or current with an input voltage or current. This is done with the help of the MPs. Consider a ‘Box’, this box encapsulates the whole transistor. Now if an input current is given to the transistor, an output current or voltage can be obtained. For understanding how this output is controlled it necessary to understand the IC theorem
IC THEOREM
The IC theorem states that, when there is a variable to be controlled and output required, it can be assumed that a controller is present. This controller can then perform the controlling operation. The proof of this theorem is loosely based on one of Schrodinger’s theorems (to find out which one, refer SCH [33]). By going up one level of abstraction one doesn’t really need to see the variable being controlled. Instead one can assume that there is a controller doing the controlling. This is valid as according to Schrodinger’s hypothesis there is a probability that there is a controller present. Since there is no way ascertaining that a controller isn’t there due to the abstraction we might as well assume that there is one present. Thus it is called the Imaginary Controller (IC) theorem. This theorem blends in beautifully with magical particles as we shall see.
Thus according to the IC theorem there is a controller inside the box controlling the input and hence the transistor operation is performed. The conversion from voltage to current or vice versa is performed by the MPs. As the inner working of the Magic Particles is abstracted by the M factor, the need to understand the operation is eliminated.
Cascading of multiple transistors
As with other transistors multiple MOSEFTs can be cascaded. The individual Boxes can be combined into one single ‘Box’. The proof for this is straight forward. The crux is to understand that, none of the workings within the ‘Box’ is understood. Hence if one has n boxes, then one does not understand the working of any of them. Therefore these can be clubbed together in one big ‘Box’ whose working will not be understood by anyone either.
Current Voltage Characteristics of the MOSEFT
The current voltage characteristics of a MOSEFT unlike other transistors do not have a graphical description. This saves a lot of time for engineers who need to have complete and thorough understanding of the MOSEFT but are facing time bound constraints (for example one day before the exam). The characteristics of the MOSEFT are best explained by an example.
Consider a MOSEFT, when you give an input current to it, you automatically obtain a suitable output at the other end of, ‘The Box’. This is due to the automatic satisfaction property of the EFT that arises due to the magical particles. A detailed explanation of this is given in the following section.
The Magical Effect
When you give a current of 5mA into the transistor and you already know that at the other end the voltage must come out to be around 7V (which is gathered by referring to the answer at the back of the textbook) the MPs are accordingly adjusted to generate the voltage. This occurs due to a property of the MPs called the ‘Look Ahead Property’. This property actually enables the MPs to look ahead in time to see what output is needed. So while solving the problem though the person hasn’t reached the end of the solution yet, the MPs by virtue of this property are able to know what output (or answer) is required and hence generate it. Thus the solution is arrived at.
This procedure is a watertight one. Meaning, it cannot go wrong and gives hundred percent accuracy. This is one of the biggest reasons for the popularity of MOSEFTs. This effect is called the Magical Effect. When asked how the current or voltage output is determined in a MOSEFT, it can be said that, “It occurs magically” or, “Its magic”. Before the discovery of the ‘Magical Effect’, another theory was used to explain input/output determination, called the ‘Tunnel Through’ theorem. This is theorem was however discarded as it suffered from a few obvious deficiencies.
Tunnel Through Theorem
To explain how the MPs always arrived at the right answer to a given problem, the Tunnel Through Theorem was suggested. According to this theorem, just like holes and electrons in normal transistors can tunnel through energy barriers, the MPs can tunnel through barriers too. Due to this property it was suggested that the MPs tunneled through the pages of the text book, and reached the solution page, thus recognizing the answer before the problem was solved by the user. Hence the MPs were able to generate the solution for the user. This theorem was however unable to explain the following points
- How were solutions arrived at when the answer page was in a different text book?
- What about the problems whose solution are not available?
Thus with the help of the Tunnel Through Theorem and The Magical Effect the automatic satisfaction property of the MOSEFT is explained. Meaning, the MOSEFT outputs automatically adjust themselves to the users need.
Conclusion
This far it has been shown that MOSEFTs are the most engineering friendly transistors available. There are no complicated wires or circuit diagrams to be drawn. No graphs are required. The various parameters of the MOSEFT (MPs , Box etc) carry huge advantages over normal transistors. The only downside of using the MOSEFT is that it has only been realized on theory, but however it is still a great help to engineers and is an essential tool in making their life easier.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
The Legend of the Ninjaneers Chapter -1
Chapter 1 – The Evil Trainers from Chu Lei (Part-1)
A long time ago, about a million years to be precise, there was an ancient civilization. The people of this civilization were a very skilled in diverse arts and professions. However each and every one of them had been part of an elite group, an academy of sorts. This group was referred to as the Ninjaneers, the protectors of ancient civilizations. This is the long forgotten tale of these brave warriors. Jin Wei lifted his head up. “There’s something off,” he thought. “Hey Huang”, he called out to his friend. Huang lifted his head up,
“What is it?”
“Can you smell that?” asked Jin Wei, “It seems to me that a storm is brewing.”
“It’s the monsoon, what do you expect?”
“I don’t mean a storm literally. I mean there’s something’s wrong with the world,” said Jin Wei.
“Of course, there’s something wrong. Here we are; a couple of soon to become Ninjaneers sitting by the lake in the middle of the day when we should be off training,” replied Huang.
“So what do you suggest Huang? That we go to class? That’s probably the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. Anyway that’s not what I meant when I said something’s wrong. I think something bad is going to happen, my Ninjaneering instincts are sure of it.”
“Ninjaneering instincts?” replied Huang. “When did you develop those? While sleeping by the lake all day?”
“You can make fun of me all you want. But I’m going to make a fine Ninjaneer, and I’ll be well versed in all the martial art forms, and I’ll become a strong dauntless warrior.”
“Dauntless warrior? You’re just full of jokes today.” Said Huang chuckling. “How many warriors do you know. I mean pretty much everybody did Ninjaneering so how many of them became fully fledged warriors?”
“You’re right?” said Jin Wei standing up. “I’m not going to become a fearless of warrior I’m going to be the first fearless warrior of all time!!”
“Yeah, and one day us Ninjaneers will have girlfriends!!” replied Huang.
“Yeah, it does sound ridiculous doesn’t it? I just thought it’d be possible if I really concentrated and trained hard, and attended all the training sessions too. ”
“Don’t get disheartened now,” said Huang standing up and walking to Jin Wei. You’re going to make a terrible Ninjaneer, we all are. How can we become good Ninjaneers if our trainers themselves get beaten up by little girls. Come on let’s go back to the quarters. The new script for ‘Gossip Maidens’ is out, I want to read it before someone ruins it by telling me what happens.”
*************
“What’s this entire furor about?” said Huang walking towards the notice board (yes they did have boards then!!) where a bunch of Ninjaneers were huddled. “Look, didn’t I tell you something bad was going to happen?” cried Jin Wei pointing at a notice. It was a call to all Ninjaneers who were planning on leaving Ninjaneering after their training was over. The people who had put up the notice said they represented the trainers of Chu Lei. They offered to train those who were planning on attempting the Sacred Challenge of Answering Timepass questions. Also known as SCAT (they didn’t bother putting in the Q, it didn’t sound catchy that way).
Chu Lei was a reputed organization and it was well known all over the world for its timepass training. But among the Ninjaneers it also had a bad name. It was said that the trainers of Chu Lei were an evil folk. That anyone who’d venture into the grounds of Chu Lei would never come out the same. Of course it wasn’t as horrible as the myth about the B-Dojos, that story however is for another day.
“So, what do you have to say to that?” said Jin Wei indignantly.
“There may be something in what you say,” replied Huang. “It seems that their representative is going to give some sort of demonstration today. Lets attend it and see for ourselves whether the rumors surrounding the Chu Lei are true.”
*************
“I am sensei Chu,” said the bearded man staring at everybody, “You have no doubt heard about the SCAT. There have been some terrible rumors flying around about SCAT. But reality is different. You may think that becoming clearing SCAT and joining a B-Dojo is not your only option. I say that it is. You may think that clearing the SCAT is not a very tough task, because you are a Ninjaneer and have the expertise and skill for clearing any challenge. But I say that clearing SCAT is extremely tough and without the help of the Chu Lei it is impossible!!
I myself was a Ninjaneer once. One day I was walking by the training grounds looking at a bunch of enthusiastic first years practicing ninja. When I looked at them I felt something was off. I remembered that I myself shared the same enthusiasm as them when I joined the Ninjaneering institute. But at that moment I felt empty inside. A feeling I’m sure all of you have. Upon a long and deep introspection I finally realized my purpose in life, and the steps I needed to take in order to achieve it. Take it from a man who has had an infinite number of experiences and who has attained enlightenment twenty three times!! This world is not a place for Ninjaneers. Where will martial arts take you? Sure you’ll save the odd person in danger, impair the neighborhood thief’s chances of robbing someone, or help the country during times of war, but what will it do for you? Ninjaneering for the sake of becoming a good ninja is foolish!!
There’s only one thing in which Ninjaneering will help you, or rather it already has. It has prepared you for this moment. You my pupils are the perfect trainees for Chu Lei. When we are done with you’ll be ready to appear and clear the SCAT. Not because you are in any way smarter than everybody else. After two years of feeling completely incompetent for not being able to learn the way of the Ninja, you’ll finally be able to do something that you can actually get the hang of. Something that doesn’t require you to be different or be truly skilled and intelligent! All you need to do is work hard, do what we tell you to do and you’ll be the perfect SCAT answering machine!! I mean… you’ll be ready to face the SCAT.
**************
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